Jaide Brianne♥

You have a pathetic way of ruining your relationships with great people. Notice a pattern? You’re just going to end up being alone for the rest of your life. Your looks won’t be there forever, heck you aren’t really that attractive right now, but your horrible way of breaking the hearts of those who really loved you will stay with you for the rest of your life. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

I passed out today in theology.
Not because I am sick,
but because I am so stressed.

My body doesn’t know how 
to deal with stress. It just
shuts down. I can’t breathe,
I can move, I have so much pain
I can’t function right. I feel
like a total freak when it
happens. Abnormal. No one
has ever seen me break down
like that before. I hold it in 
until I’m alone. 

Today it didn’t work. My
teachers kept asking if I was 
okay. I faked up a smile
and told them I was fine
as always, but on the inside
I was dying. The stress has
been going on since October.
Since the blowup I’ve 
been crumbling. they’ve made
sure of that.

I had just lost the thing that
was most important to me
in the world. I will not say
what it is because of the small
chance that someone will find
this blog… but I was broken.
I wanted to die. For the 3rd 
time in my life I became a
complete zombie. 

The first time I became a 
zombie was because of my 
dad, the second time was
after someone leaving my
life after I trusted them with
every part of me that I try to
hide.

The third time was the worst. 
I couldn’t feel anything. When
I become a zombie I can’t feel.
It’s my bodies way of protecting
me from myself. It gives me a
false numbness that takes away
the pain. But the thoughts are
still there. 

I was at the lowest point I’ve
ever been at in my life. The
people who were the ones who
were supposed to have my
back through everything told 
me I wasn’t worth the trouble.

I wasn’t worth the trouble. 

I was a liar. 

I was a whore. 

I should kill myself. 

I didn’t deserve to be loved or 
to have friends. 

Nobody would ever love a
horrible person like me. 

These things, and many 
more were being said to 
me by my BEST FRIENDS.

They wanted me dead. 

They want me dead.

I don’t feel safe anymore. 
Anywhere. Not on Facebook,
not on twitter, not at home,
not out in public, not at school,
I don’t feel safe in my own 
head.

On Facebook they set
statuses about me calling
me the “eagle rat” a “disgusting
little whore” a “liar”. 

On twitter they tweet the
meanest things about me.
Things I could never imagine 
saying about someone. 

They hide behind computer
screens. like robbers hide
behind masks, stealing my 
happiness away.

At home they have threatened
me. Saying they are going to
come to my house with a 
baseball bat and beat me until
I’m dead.  I am not allowed 
to take my dog for walks
anymore. I’m not allowed 
to walk to the car by myself,
not even to the gas station
down the street.  I get so 
scared at night. I wake up 
screaming and shaking. 
I’m not allowed home
by myself anymore. My 
mom thinks I’m going to
kill myself. 

I cant go anywhere
without worrying
that they are going to
come find me. Say horrible
things to me. their words
cut deeper than knives ever
could. Best friends are supposed
to tell each other they’re
beautiful. I get called ugly and
fat now. Even at games when
I’m cheering on my school,
I can’t walk to the bathroom 
without being afraid that they
are going to hurt me. 

I don’t feel safe at school
because they keep coming
into it. Driving past me while
I’m waiting for my carpool. 
Shouting things out the window
as they pass. Then coming into
my school and laughing at me. 
I can’t learn anymore. I start
shaking when I think of them. 

I passed out today in theology. 
Not because I’m sick,
but because I am so stressed. 

I didn’t even report them. 
Yet I get told they are making
statuses saying I did. telling
everyone it was me. 

I was scared to come to 
school today. I thought people
were going to judge me. that
they would believe them. it
wasn’t me.

It wasn’t me. 

I kept to myself most of the
day. I tuned out everyone. 
preparing myself for the hell
people would put me through. 

My head hurt, a clear sign
that I needed to be alone.
So that I could break down
and build myself back again
so nobody would know I wasn’t
okay. It was only 7:30. The
day hadn’t even started yet. 

I made it until 6th period. 

We were praying the rosary. 
We got to courage. The third
set of hail marys. The prayer 
was for courage.  I thought 
to myself “where is my courage?”

They stole my courage away. 

My head started to spin. 
My head hit the desk. 

I held it in, built myself
a little shield to finish the
day. I am strong. I am
weaker than before, but
I an strong. I lasted until 
I got home. 

I built myself back up again.
I got out of the house. 
Away from my mind. 

But tomorrow, it will start
all over again. I’m starting to
crumble. They’ve made sure of 
that.

I passed out today in theology.
Not because I am sick,
but because I am so stressed.